Most parents carry a letter around in their head for years. The things they're proud of. The advice they'd give at twenty-five, at forty, on a hard day. The story of the day each child was born. Very few of us ever write it down, because there always seems to be time. This guide is here to help you start.
Why it matters
People who lose a parent often say the hardest part isn't the practical things; it's the questions they never got to ask and the words they never got to hear. A letter can't replace you, but it can answer some of those questions in your own voice, and it can be read again and again, at the moments when your children need it most.
Before you start
- Give yourself permission to write badly. A first draft is supposed to be messy. You can edit it as many times as you like, and you'll probably want to update it as your children grow.
- Write one letter per child if you can. A shared letter is lovely, but each child will treasure words that are only for them.
- Pick a quiet half hour. You don't need to finish in one sitting. Many people write a few lines a week.
What to write about
There's no right list, but these are the things people most often wish they'd been told:
- A memory only you have. The day they were born, a car journey, a joke they won't remember making. Specific moments mean more than general praise.
- What you're proud of, not only achievements but who they are: their kindness, their stubbornness, the way they look after a younger sibling.
- What you've learned. About love, money, work, friendship, failure. Keep it honest; mistakes you've made are often the most useful part.
- Family stories. Where your parents came from, recipes, traditions, the names of the people in old photos.
- Permission. To grieve in their own way, to be happy again, to live their own life and not the one you imagined. Many people say this was the most important line in the letter they received.
- Forgiveness and apology, if there's something that needs saying.
A simple way to begin
If the blank page is the hardest part, try finishing one of these sentences and keep going:
"The first time I held you, I…"
"Something I've never told you is…"
"When life feels hard, I hope you remember…"
"I'm proudest of you when…"
Keep it in your own voice
Write the way you talk. If you'd call them by a nickname, use it. If you'd make a joke, make it. Your children will recognise you in the small things, and that's what makes a letter feel like a conversation rather than a speech.
Think about when they'll read it
A letter written for an eight-year-old will be read again at eighteen and at forty. Some parents write a short letter for now and a longer one for later. Others write separate letters for milestones: a first job, a wedding, becoming a parent. If your children are young, consider writing in a way they can grow into.
Add your voice and face
A short video or voice recording alongside the letter can mean a great deal. It doesn't need to be polished; a few minutes of you talking at the kitchen table is enough. See our guide on recording a video message.
Make sure it reaches them
A letter in a drawer may never be found, or may be found too early. Decide where it will be kept and who will make sure it's delivered. Tell someone you trust that it exists. With Tellafter, you can write it privately, keep it up to date, and choose who receives it if you stop signing in for a period you choose. We remind you first, so nothing is sent while you're well.
A letter is not a legal will
A personal letter is about love, memories and guidance. It doesn't decide who inherits your property or who looks after your children. For those, make a legal will that meets the rules where you live, and speak to a lawyer if you're unsure.