Most people want their family to know their wishes, and most families want to know. Yet the conversation rarely happens, because nobody wants to be the one to bring it up. When it does happen, people almost always say they're glad they had it.
Choose a natural moment
You don't need a formal meeting. Good openings often come naturally:
- After a friend's or a relative's illness or funeral.
- When you've just made or updated a will.
- A birthday, retirement, or a new grandchild.
- A story in the news or a film you watched together.
Ways to start
"I've been sorting out some paperwork, and I'd like you to know where things are."
"When Auntie was ill, nobody knew what she wanted. I don't want that for us."
"This isn't because anything is wrong. I just want to get it said while it's easy."
What to talk about
- Where things are: the will, insurance, important papers, your list of accounts.
- Who decides if you can't: who you've chosen, and why.
- Medical wishes: what matters most to you if you're seriously ill, and what you'd want to avoid.
- Funeral wishes, in as much or as little detail as you like.
- What you'd like them to remember. This part can be surprisingly joyful.
Listen as much as you talk
Your family may have feelings, worries or questions of their own. Let them. Some people need time; it's fine to come back to it another day. The aim isn't to settle everything at once but to make it something you can talk about.
If it doesn't go well
- Don't force it. Say you'll write things down instead, and do.
- Try talking to one person first, the one most likely to listen.
- Write a letter. Some things are easier to put on paper, and a letter can be read when they're ready.
Write it down afterwards
Conversations are forgotten or remembered differently. After you talk, put the key points in writing and keep them with your important papers. If you'd like your own words to reach your family later, Tellafter lets you write them privately and deliver them to the people you choose if you stop signing in.